Common traits of guys who suck with women
Do you display any of these characteristics? It might be time to keep yourself in check.
Note: This isn’t meant to bash men, or excuse bad behavior from certain women. Nor is it meant to be callous towards men who are struggling. I’ve been there. It’s meant to point out that a lot of things in life aren’t static and you have control.
Men who struggle with women almost always have a mindset of self-victimization. They believe that their unattractive qualities are static, and that women are a monolithic group that have somehow deemed them unworthy.
Static Mindset
When I was unsuccessful, I had the same mindset as well. It wasn’t until I took ownership of my situation, and realized that there were things about myself that I needed to change, then things began improving. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s also freeing. You need to realize you have control over most aspects of your life. This forces you to have accountability, which can be scary.
“I’m ugly.” There is a difference between being physically attractive and naturally good looking. Being physically attractive involves being in shape, wearing clothes that fit, having good posture and body language, being well groomed. Being physically attractive, which you have control over, is more important than being naturally good looking.
“I’m short.” There are some women who put emphasis on height, and there’s nothing you can do about that. Move on. You see short guys with beautiful women all the time. The height requirement is usually a fabrication of the online dating world. A gregarious personality, confidence, a good style and grooming is far more powerful than height.
“I’m shy.” This isn’t a static quality. Being introverted and shy aren’t one in the same. It’s extremely uncomfortable, but you have to ask yourself if you really want to change. Being shy is the single biggest inhibitor to social success. If you can’t function socially, you should pursue therapy, or even medication if a mental health professional feels it’s necessary.
“I’m boring.” This is on you. You likely aren’t boring, you are just afraid to be vulnerable and show people who you are. This is normal; it’s difficult to share ourselves with others, and face rejection. If you don’t feel like you have a dynamic personality, or have much to talk about, you need to expand your horizons. Find a hobby you’re passionate about, read more, go out and try things you’ve been hesitant to pursue.
Extreme expectations
Another bizarre characteristic I see with guys who have little dating experience is that they have extremely high expectations out the gate. They want a head-turner or nothing at all. I’m here to tell you that you don’t go from zero to a Margot Robbie type right away. They’ll match with decently attractive women online, but just discard the opportunity because she might not be a 10.
Listen— I’m not saying guys should settle or self-limit, but being rigid and not at least consider going out with decently attractive women because they aren’t model caliber is absurd and a missed opportunity. I suspect what’s going on in these instances is that guys who have struggled with women want some sort of validation, some sort of “I told you so”. Or, it’s a way to protect their ego—kind of a way of saying “I’ll reject you before you reject me.”
Please don’t fall into this trap. Don’t base your dating or life decisions on the desire to impress others, or prove something. You want to date women that you find extremely attractive—one man’s 10 is another man’s ‘meh’, a vice versa.
Lack of Accountability and Unwillingness to Change
Of all the characteristics, this is the one that holds men back the most. This type of thinking has led to the rise of the Red Pill movement, a self-victimizing mindset masquerading as men’s advocacy. Instead of taking ownership of their dating lives, guys out there would rather blame society and factors out of their control for their current circumstances.
It can be really tough being a guy in the dating world nowadays. I get it. However, at some point, you have to decide if you’re going to die upon some imaginary hill that no one cares about— blaming women, society, etc.— or take action and go after the kind of life you want. If you are struggling, then something needs to change. Maybe you’re a great guy, but being a great guy doesn’t necessarily lead to attraction. You actually might not be a great guy, but just a nice guy who’s inoffensive.
There are other factors at play. You simply might not be putting yourself out there enough.
Bottom line is this—the “it’s them not me” mentality will only lead to bitterness. It doesn’t mean you have to adopt a false persona or alter your behavior to what you think women will like. It just means you have to take accountability for your predicament and realize that things will change.
Poor grooming and maintenance of physical appearance
News flash—the more you take care of your appearance, the more opportunities you’ll have with women. Looks aren’t the answer to everything, especially if your social skills aren’t up to snuff, but if you’re serious about improving your dating life, being in shape, keeping your fashion updated, and staying on top of your grooming and overall appearance is crucial. There’s just no way around it.
Some guys simply don’t know better. But don’t let laziness and complacency take over when it comes to your looks and hygiene. I’ve encountered so adult men who neglect basic hygiene (no bathing, no deodorant, no brushing teeth, no clipping nails, etc.) and wonder why they suck at dating. Act like adults, guys. Take care of your yourself.
Too serious/put women on a pedestal
I’ve noticed that guys who do best with women don’t take themselves—or life—to seriously. It’s probably the reason that they are disconnected from rejection, or aren’t ashamed of being a little polarizing around women. Being whimsical, with a ‘take me or leave me’ attitude is highly attractive. They also don’t worship attractive women, and see them as humans. They aren’t nervous or awkward around them because they haven’t placed them on unrealistic pedestal.
Guys who suck with women view highly attractive women as unattainable goddesses, not human beings. They fetishize women’s beauty, and as result, are obsessed with protecting and being inoffensive around women. This causes them to have a stiff, nervous, overly serious energy. Simply put, women want to be around guys who are fun and can act natural. Don’t be the guy who is intimidated simply by being in a woman’s presence, or adopting some awkward White Knight persona. Chill out a little, have fun, and let the chips fall where they may.
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I wouldn't be so quick to shit on the red pill. I like your columns and for the most part they would fit right into anything that the red pill has to say. The red pill is more responsible for improving the lives of men than any "just be yourself" or "be a gentleman" advice could ever be. At its core the red pill is simply describing how relationships actually work as opposed to the standard dating and life advice that men usually got. Just like your columns, it is describing what actually works. If you will recall, some of the early PUA guys were not good looking or tall. But they figured out how to work with what they have to improve their situation and get results
Like I said, I like your stuff, but you are building on what the red pill started