The more you try for a relationship, the less success you’ll have
Dating with a lofty goal in mind puts unnatural pressure on things-- and often leads to failure. Take your time and let things develop
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“I only date to marry.”
If you spend any time on social media recently, you’ve likely seen this declaration pop up in your feed. It’s indicative of a trend I’ve seen recently online—I’ve dubbed it “Toxic Monogamy Seeking.”
Basically, it’s a holier-than-thou and unrealistic view of dating, which promotes the idea that dating is for the sole purpose of finding a life mate, and nothing else. This type of content proclaims that men of purpose should want a wife— all other women are a distraction.
I’m definitely not in this camp of thought. I also think this whole “dating with purpose” content online is contrived.
Listen, I think at the end of the day, most men want to find someone great to settle down with eventually. I can say from experience that dating around casually for a decent period of time gets lonely and begins to feel empty. I get it. However, I’m also a firm believer that men need to have substantial dating and sexual experience before settling down.
Having dating experience makes men better long-term partners for the following reasons:
They “settle” down not out of desperation or loneliness, but because they truly enjoy being with a particular woman. They don’t settle for the first woman who shows interest.
They (hopefully) gain a better understanding of the personality types that fit them best. You can’t gain this level of understanding if you stay with someone you met when you were 19. You need broad exposure to different personalities, communication, and conflict styles.
They have more sexual confidence, and skill. Yes, having more sexual partners doesn’t mean you will necessarily be better at sex, but a guy with experience under his belt will at least have an idea of what good sex looks like.
They aren’t as prone to look elsewhere due to lack of experience elsewhere. Some will say guys who have experience are more prone to have a wandering eye. I believe the opposite to be true. Everyone is different, but if a guy has had substantial dating experience, and truly wants to be monogamous, he won’t have as much regret over the opportunities he missed. I’ve seen it countless times with men who got into relationships really young. A lot of guys have regret, and it gets manifested in unhealthy ways—porn, affairs, etc.
Now that I’ve made my case for why men need extensive dating experience, here are reasons why going into dating with an objective is a terrible, terrible idea:
As stated previously, with this mindset, you are dating for an objective, not to get to know someone. The person is almost secondary to the goal, and this obviously frames the dynamic in an unnatural manner. Always focus on the other person first.
You will psych yourself out. Imagine putting that much pressure on every date—she might be the one(!). Relax. You will not be in your most natural, relaxed, attractive state if you feel like you have to be perfect, or impress her. If you’ve already elevated her to potential wife status, you will automatically be more needy, and more desperate for things to work out.
You will emotionally invest way too soon. This is one of the most critical mistakes guys make when they meet someone. They project all of their hopes and fantasies onto someone they barely know. Framing your dating life with a set objective in mind will exacerbate this tenfold. It’s not fair to you—and her especially—if you place your romantic dreams on someone prematurely.
I speak from personal experience—in my own dating life and what I’ve seen with clients—don’t be afraid to take things slowly, let things develop at their own pace, and keep your options open. I’ve been in a relationship for over four years, but when we met, I was actively avoiding anything serious.
When I met my current girlfriend, we were both still freshly out of long-term relationships, and despite the fact that she was an amazing woman who I was highly attracted to and had natural chemistry with, I was still very much in the mindset that I wanted my freedom and independence.
As a result, I kept my other dating options open and was focused on just living my life. I really liked her, but I wasn’t needy because I had my own life. I didn’t feel the need for a relationship, and frankly didn’t want one.
However, the more we began to hang out, things started developing to the point where the other people we were dating were eventually phased out. Things happened naturally.
We even joked about how much we sucked at keeping things casual, because that was our goal in the beginning. And here we are, to this day.
So… based on my experience, and what I’ve heard from countless others is that a relationship will develop when you usually don’t expect one, or even want one. It’s the principle of sometimes trying TOO HARD for something can actually hold you back.